Pursuit of Happiness

My man Kid Cudi. This video sums it up for me.

Ever feel like you're still alone in a crowded room no matter how wonderful the atmosphere? No matter how many nights you stay away from home and surround yourself with the best kind of company something is missing? This feeling overwhelms me 24/7. Trying to maintain this awesome non-existent connectedness to people who have no idea how hard you need their companionship to take away the sting of loneliness and depression. Even then, its all superficial.

I'm in my early 20's, I just graduated from college with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism, I have no children, no loans, absolutely no bills and no credit. Considering my peers, I'm pretty fortunate to be blessed without the financial headaches and crazy responsibilities. I try to maintain a sense of gratefulness for how far I've come because five years ago, I didn't think I'd ever make it to this point. Now I'm here and I think, "What now?" Do I hunt for the financially and responsible socially upward circle of friends who fall within the same pursuits? i.e. ambitions, career paths, vacations annually, etc. Or do I search for what essentially makes my life worth living? And how in the hell does one do that?

Its easy to fall into the superficial of the first option. Having a bevy of pretty girlfriends with these awesome jobs, who wine, dine and party fabulously on the weekends while dating every kind of eligible bachelor that falls under the requirements necessary to keep up appearances. But how old does that get? Even though I'm "financially free," I'm financially broke. Since graduating from school, I've taken on a volunteer position and an internship at a not-for-profit to further my experience in my chosen career field. I left the organization in December and began looking for a job since January 4th. Twelve weeks in, all I've managed to land was a paid internship in new media and marketing for another not-for-profit. Don't get me wrong, I was ecstatic and the pay is the topping, but a day after the news has staled, I'm beginning to think about the other things that "should be" happening to make an even fuller life. Given the state of the economy, I should be grateful to receive ANYTHING paid, but I start to doubt my abilities and wonder if I don't get a salary-based job soon, when will my life actually begin? In this economy, money makes the world go 'round and I'm itching to move on, move out and finally start tending to me in a new environment.

In the second option, where I start finding out who the real me is with/without the fabulous parties, clothes and reckless spending because it can become dangerously lonely, how do I learn to love me and stop leaning on trying to find the right kind of reliable, loyal and courteous people and find those qualities within myself? I have these hang-ups about connections because even while I've had friends around, I've always felt...alone. I always fall flat on my face when it hits me all over again how truly alone I am, even when friends and family have promised to be around there's always something missing, as if I'm grasping onto this invisible notion of real happiness. How do I go about being happy with me? I've always been a loner so trying to find what makes me feel great is something I've tried and it gets no better than reading, sleeping and listening to music. With my life "on hold" because of this job thingy, its more pressing than anytime before especially because the safety net that school provided is no longer around. This new phase of my life is suppose to begin but it didn't take off with the bang that I expected, and now I'm left spending days and nights in bed with the shades drawn while waiting for the phone call that will let me know I could press play on my life again.