I Found Something

I feel light. I'm smiling. And I want to hold onto this pretty feeling, because Ugly always rears its head and I soon forget and want to escape the strangulation. But for now I'm wrapped in a cozy blanket and I'm pulling it over my head.

My "situation" (ex-boyfriend) and I had lunch today and sat at the lake in Central Park. Serene surroundings usually bring around our romantic affectionate side. Yeah, we're the P.D.A. couple and "We just don't care, we just don't care..." We gazed at the water watching the ducks and making fun of the children playing in the dirty water. I asked him, "Why are the ducks' legs orange?" He answered, "I don't know, but do you know there are birds with blue feet?" Then I pointed out how bright green the trees across the lake were and He told me what kind of tree it was. I remarked about the beautiful flowers blooming and filling the park with its wonderful scent, and He was able to describe what each plant was and their characteristics. Something filled my stomach. Yes it was love and a bit of moment in time happiness, but there was something else. Its usually there, but this time I was able to name it. I always thought it was understanding, but I realized its reassurance. Ahh, reassurance. Its a lovely noun. Its something I like. I like confirmation when it comes to making plans about a dinner date. Give me a definite time, I can make sure I'll be there. When I ask my professor advice, I like awesome suggestions and referrals. I mean, when I go to a doctor, I want him to reassure me that I'm perfectly fine and functioning. I expect the same in a love interest.

It could be the simplest thing and He gives it to me. He's incredibly intelligent and it amazes me sometimes. He has a wide knowledge of subjects that leaves me stumped and I consider myself to be a smart girl, but it leaves me in awe at times, which is why I'll sometimes throw out random questions to see if He's on his toes. But He'll always tell me, if He doesn't know, He won't try to act as if He does. Its apart of the reason why we argue so much because there are times when I want to prove Him wrong, especially when its a topic I'm well versed about, we end up fighting to the teeth. The Ugly is the fighting. It makes me forget all the reasons I've stuck/stand by him. But I ask myself, "When your doctor reassures you that you're perfectly healthy, doesn't that allow you to put your trust in him? Especially when he has proven it?" So, I looked up reassurance and its defined as, "restoring confidence...being certain in the mind; easy freedom from self-doubt or uncertainty." I like that phrase, "easy freedom." I learned last year nothing in life is guaranteed when my mother was laid off from her job of 22 years. I thought, well if a position, your livelihood, that you've held most of your adult life isn't guaranteed, well...what is? I can accept that disagreements will be guaranteed as long as there is a balance, you know, the blanket feeling of spring time and lovers sharing affection while taking in simplicity. Nothing reminds me of love better than being simple.

We sat on the rock while He leaned into me, I inhaled and was taken. I don't think I have loved Him more than I did within that moment when the word "reassurance" came to me. So I seized the moment in time and smiled a little on the outside but big and wide on the inside.