The Better Qualified Candidate

It's amazing the range of moods that I experience on a day-to-day basis. My week began productively: Sunday I got around to the six weeks worth of laundry that I've been avoiding for two weeks; I cleaned my room and I prepped for a phone interview for the next day that I was ecstatic about. Monday I was confident, I aced the interview and landed an in person meeting for Wednesday; I managed to put together an awesome outfit last minute paired with enviable hair, and I finished my three month volunteer commitment on a good note. Tuesday rolled around and I was feeling inspired! I felt like writing in my journal which I haven't done in a month, it was my first day as (yet another) a media intern within the public affairs department where I volunteered and I was convinced this new job opportunity was mine. I was sure Wednesday would be outdone, I had the interview attire to prove it. But I faltered, I sabotaged myself and froze up during the interview. I fumbled and mumbled my way through, muttered incomplete thoughts, and at times I believed I repeated myself. By noon I felt deflated and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sulk the day away. Today, I sent the customary thank-you letter and two hours later I was hit with a rejection response. They decided to go with "a better qualified candidate." Really?

Emerging Adulthood

The popular late 1980's African-American sitcom, A Different World, is what inspired me to attend college, particularly a historical Black college or university (HBCU). The comedy depicted the lives of several students attending the fictional Hillman College while exploring social issues, glamorizing Black sororities and fraternities, and giving an overall structure of college life. When high school drew nearer to a close, I made sure college applications were sent off and my college tour rounds were completed, because my dreams of freedom, partying, new friends and most importantly placing one foot forward toward my writing career, was becoming clearer.

...And it Just Keeps Coming

Its sickening the emotional roller coaster that I've been on the past couple of weeks. I'm beginning to annoy myself and the anger is beginning to swell and spill over onto others. Today marks the seventh week of my internship and I'm just about ready to quit which is my usual reaction to situations that frustrates me, but obviously because I'm trying out this "adult" thing, I can't do that. Besides the menial duties that I've been assigned, I've been receiving increasing passive aggressive comments from co-workers. These comments range from the way I might have completed an assignment, to jokes that a normal person would consider offensive and inappropriate for a work environment. Meanwhile I deal by biting my lip and counting backwards from ten because I'm only the intern. Besides that, I work with individuals who complain incessantly about their jobs. Everyone has their hang-ups about their workplace from time to time but when you have people huddling in corners whispering about how "incompetent" the boss is, that's crossing the line. Take that outside of the workplace and pick up a guide on professional etiquette, OR quit and run your own damn company. I've taken on internships where I've felt belittled and I accepted that the person who handed out the mistreatment obviously didn't leave their personal issues at home and besides it was an academic requirement, so I swallowed my anger and shut up. The difference now is, I'm here by absolute choice and I'm overqualified in terms of my job's description. So in this matter, do I sit back and take the idiocy or leave and move on to something where my efforts are a bit more appreciated in a more professionally suited environment?

Pursuit of Happiness

My man Kid Cudi. This video sums it up for me.

Ever feel like you're still alone in a crowded room no matter how wonderful the atmosphere? No matter how many nights you stay away from home and surround yourself with the best kind of company something is missing? This feeling overwhelms me 24/7. Trying to maintain this awesome non-existent connectedness to people who have no idea how hard you need their companionship to take away the sting of loneliness and depression. Even then, its all superficial.

I'm in my early 20's, I just graduated from college with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism, I have no children, no loans, absolutely no bills and no credit. Considering my peers, I'm pretty fortunate to be blessed without the financial headaches and crazy responsibilities. I try to maintain a sense of gratefulness for how far I've come because five years ago, I didn't think I'd ever make it to this point. Now I'm here and I think, "What now?" Do I hunt for the financially and responsible socially upward circle of friends who fall within the same pursuits? i.e. ambitions, career paths, vacations annually, etc. Or do I search for what essentially makes my life worth living? And how in the hell does one do that?

Its easy to fall into the superficial of the first option. Having a bevy of pretty girlfriends with these awesome jobs, who wine, dine and party fabulously on the weekends while dating every kind of eligible bachelor that falls under the requirements necessary to keep up appearances. But how old does that get? Even though I'm "financially free," I'm financially broke. Since graduating from school, I've taken on a volunteer position and an internship at a not-for-profit to further my experience in my chosen career field. I left the organization in December and began looking for a job since January 4th. Twelve weeks in, all I've managed to land was a paid internship in new media and marketing for another not-for-profit. Don't get me wrong, I was ecstatic and the pay is the topping, but a day after the news has staled, I'm beginning to think about the other things that "should be" happening to make an even fuller life. Given the state of the economy, I should be grateful to receive ANYTHING paid, but I start to doubt my abilities and wonder if I don't get a salary-based job soon, when will my life actually begin? In this economy, money makes the world go 'round and I'm itching to move on, move out and finally start tending to me in a new environment.

In the second option, where I start finding out who the real me is with/without the fabulous parties, clothes and reckless spending because it can become dangerously lonely, how do I learn to love me and stop leaning on trying to find the right kind of reliable, loyal and courteous people and find those qualities within myself? I have these hang-ups about connections because even while I've had friends around, I've always felt...alone. I always fall flat on my face when it hits me all over again how truly alone I am, even when friends and family have promised to be around there's always something missing, as if I'm grasping onto this invisible notion of real happiness. How do I go about being happy with me? I've always been a loner so trying to find what makes me feel great is something I've tried and it gets no better than reading, sleeping and listening to music. With my life "on hold" because of this job thingy, its more pressing than anytime before especially because the safety net that school provided is no longer around. This new phase of my life is suppose to begin but it didn't take off with the bang that I expected, and now I'm left spending days and nights in bed with the shades drawn while waiting for the phone call that will let me know I could press play on my life again.