Photographs

I found a picture of my parents during happier times about a year ago. The picture dates back to the mid-80s and they look completely infatuated with one another. My father is looking at my mother while he has her locked in an embrace and she's smiling shyly for the lucky camera man. Its something I've never witnessed within their relationship and its why I've held onto the rare memento because they're no longer together. I always gaze at this photograph, wondering where did their relationship go wrong, because this picture is proof that it was once a great relationship. Are all relationships JUST great in the beginning?

Tonight is one of those nights where I'm in a self-reflecting mood. Or in a mood where I actually want to write down how I'm feeling. Reflecting in terms of a "situation" I'm currently involved in with an ex-boyfriend that I can't seem to refuse and let go. This relationship consists of horrid disagreements, where making-up has its advantages but in the back of my mind, I always wonder, "At what cost?" We've recently rekindled, if that's the right word, our relationship and since its begun another again, I'm realizing how much he's changed. I'm old enough to understand, people grow and in turn their personalities reflect those changes, but is it possible that a man's maturity level regresses? When I fell in love with him, we were dating and I loved the way our friendship was evolving. I don't have too many male friends and I totally adored the comfort level I experienced with him when it came to sharing myself and feeling..."understood" isn't the word I'm looking for, but he listened without the harsh criticism and I welcomed that. He made it easy to fall into him and that's what I look for within any relationship. But as soon as he saw how loyal I became, some truths were revealed on his part, and I knew if I was aware of them before it would've been a deal breaker. Looking back on it, it probably should've been, but I have a loyalty hangup. You don't meet many reliable or loyal people, or maybe I've been looking in all the wrong places, but I know what its like to have someone turn their back on you when you need their friendship the most. How could I do to someone what I wouldn't want done to me? But in the back of my mind, all these new developments coming to the forefront, I wouldn't have left, because I loved him hard then. It was the beginning. Two years later, legal issues and jail time aside, crazy bisexual ex-girlfriend/best friend (don't even ask) out of the way and some of the most hardest personal trials I've ever experienced, we've faltered and managed to still love one another.

Okay, back story over, this where the self-reflection comes in. My parents' photograph for me symbolizes the innocence of new love, how those skirmishes in the beginning seem so small compared to how big your love is for one another, how insignificant the naysayers seem because only the two of you know how your relationship REALLY plays out behind closed doors. Your dreams together seem so realistic (even when they aren't, and that's okay because you're convinced love pays the rent), and you're amazed that you can have it all in another being. The infatuation takes over and common sense moves out. Loving logically doesn't exist because it isn't realistic, its still the beginning. Flash forward to now, everything you know is irrevocably broken; trust is an issue, the arguments aren't cute anymore and the making-up is too much effort. The comfort level is so much that the disrespect starts to seep in and stink up the relationship, allowing for the second thoughts and blame to occur. That's what I witnessed growing up with my parents. I never saw a beginning.

So how do you go about repairing a relationship that isn't beyond fixing but aren't surface issues either? We aren't on any path of getting married and having children so does that make it okay to move on at this point? Isn't the desire to want to put things together enough because you really just want to be with that individual? Or do I let it alone and decide to wait for a new beginning?