Hiatus

Something is wrong with me and its affecting my mouth and my fingers and my eyes.
Dear Journal: I'll be back, I promise, but I wouldn't be true if I couldn't express my thoughts properly. I'm waiting for the write (pun intended) time.

Huh?

So...the internship is going well. And they kept their word and paid me...but...

I Found Something

I feel light. I'm smiling. And I want to hold onto this pretty feeling, because Ugly always rears its head and I soon forget and want to escape the strangulation. But for now I'm wrapped in a cozy blanket and I'm pulling it over my head.

Jungle Fever?

Jill Scott recently wrote an essay for Essence.com on interracial dating that has sparked some intense debate via blogs and websites and since this topic seems to keep coming up in conversations with various individuals, I wanted to comment on it. This could be a while:

Smiley Faces

Had a lovely weekend. ' Tis all.

Children in Africa Starve...

Via: Necole Bitchie

Price tag = $2,800.00 USD
Mommy?

Melanin Flavored & ALWAYS Highly Favored

This evening I was forced to people watch (not that I mind), since I finished "Sula" this morning. I usually try to preoccupy myself with a good read so that I don't fall into a fit of giggles cracking on folks in my head, but this evening I couldn't help it. As I squeezed onto the downtown 1 train, I caught sight of a giggling and smiling White woman with a head full of brittle and brash thinning blond hair that made me shudder. My first thought was, "She's too old to be using such a horrible unnatural hair color." Then my eyes drifted on down to the too tight, leopard print, purple polyester shift dress that was horrendous and unflattering; at this point I needed to understand the rest of her, so I began to focus on the veins popping out of her winter pale skinny legs and I wanted to throw up in my mouth. As the crowd thinned out, I found a seat slightly across from her and took in the strange looking creature. I closed my eyes and murmured, "Thank God for making me melanin-favored."

Sula

I'm re-reading Toni Morrison's novel, "Sula" for the third time. Morrison is one of my favorite authors and everytime I re-read a novel of hers (I own them all) it summons a new inspiration that I didn't receive in the previous reads. Morrison focuses on the book's namesake, Sula Peace, who from the time she was a child to adulthood shared an intimate bond with her bestfriend, Nel Wright. They considered themselves "one and the same" and shared everything from comparing the way one boy kissed, to deathly secrets. Sula and Nel's intimate bond finally shatters when Sula realizes all of Nel's treasures aren't hers to possess and it drives Sula into a wonderous despair that I find myself relating to.

Morrison has a way with words that brings to mind poetry, but she creates such an awesome literary imagination for the reader that it doesn't allow you to drift too far from the agony that Sula feels. Here's an excerpt that really spoke to me because it speaks about my ever-elusive "connectedness":

"...She had been looking all along for a friend, and it took her a while to discover that a lover was not a comrade and could never be - for a woman. And that no one would ever be that version of herself which she sought to reach out to and touch with an ungloved hand. There was only her own mood and whim, and if that was all there was, she decided to turn the naked hand toward it, discover it and let others become as intimate with their own selves as she was."

Forever Young

Saturday, I went to "First Saturdays" at the Brooklyn Museum with my mom and step dad. I was meeting up with one of my good friends from college to catch up. As we strolled through exhibits in our heels we shared our love woes, as hers is similar to mine and vice versa. It seems as though everyone is having relationship issues these days. We found a bench tucked within the Egyptian artifacts exhibit and we related, laughed and pondered. Then it dawned on me that in a few weeks she'll be turning the big two-five and I didn't have much longer until I neared that turning point either. When the hell did that happen? I swear I was just filling out college applications, figuring out if I would be attending my high school prom, cutting class and experimenting with my friends. It all flew by so quickly...

Not that I would want those days back. Sadly, during my teenage experience I always wanted to be an adult. I wanted the freedom that adulthood promised, never needing to answer to anyone since I led a very sheltered childhood. But I lived it, I liked it give or take a few mishaps, but I don't want it again, thank God. With the invention of Facebook and statuses, I've noticed most of my high school and college peers have started families (gasp!) and marriage (yikes!), and I feel as though I haven't even started "adulthood." But to be fair, I never wanted children or marriage, hence why I couldn't wait to embrace freedom at twenty-one. But it still feels as though they "appear" to lead fuller lives rather than an empty one, and I'm scratching my head trying to figure out how do I go about making my life a little more worthier before that big two-five. I guess I have a deadline and some goals to accomplish. Get ready for my list to come.

By the by, my internship starts tomorrow! *Crosses fingers and toes.

The Looking Glass

An hour ago, he called, we argued, I started to cry and I managed to heave through my tears that I couldn't talk to him anymore. I hung up. He called three times back to back, left two voicemails. Sniffling, I made my way to my knees and clasped my hands together in prayer. I asked that HE allow me to move on, to grant me the strength to let this go for sanity's sake and to help me love being me because if I can't how can I love anyone else?

I'm stuck inside this glass while I look around at all the happenings around me, partly because I'm hung up on one person who seems to desire seeing me miserable. Fourth time's a charm? No?

Pursuit of Happiness

My man Kid Cudi. This video sums it up for me.

Ever feel like you're still alone in a crowded room no matter how wonderful the atmosphere? No matter how many nights you stay away from home and surround yourself with the best kind of company something is missing? This feeling overwhelms me 24/7. Trying to maintain this awesome non-existent connectedness to people who have no idea how hard you need their companionship to take away the sting of loneliness and depression. Even then, its all superficial.

I'm in my early 20's, I just graduated from college with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism, I have no children, no loans, absolutely no bills and no credit. Considering my peers, I'm pretty fortunate to be blessed without the financial headaches and crazy responsibilities. I try to maintain a sense of gratefulness for how far I've come because five years ago, I didn't think I'd ever make it to this point. Now I'm here and I think, "What now?" Do I hunt for the financially and responsible socially upward circle of friends who fall within the same pursuits? i.e. ambitions, career paths, vacations annually, etc. Or do I search for what essentially makes my life worth living? And how in the hell does one do that?

Its easy to fall into the superficial of the first option. Having a bevy of pretty girlfriends with these awesome jobs, who wine, dine and party fabulously on the weekends while dating every kind of eligible bachelor that falls under the requirements necessary to keep up appearances. But how old does that get? Even though I'm "financially free," I'm financially broke. Since graduating from school, I've taken on a volunteer position and an internship at a not-for-profit to further my experience in my chosen career field. I left the organization in December and began looking for a job since January 4th. Twelve weeks in, all I've managed to land was a paid internship in new media and marketing for another not-for-profit. Don't get me wrong, I was ecstatic and the pay is the topping, but a day after the news has staled, I'm beginning to think about the other things that "should be" happening to make an even fuller life. Given the state of the economy, I should be grateful to receive ANYTHING paid, but I start to doubt my abilities and wonder if I don't get a salary-based job soon, when will my life actually begin? In this economy, money makes the world go 'round and I'm itching to move on, move out and finally start tending to me in a new environment.

In the second option, where I start finding out who the real me is with/without the fabulous parties, clothes and reckless spending because it can become dangerously lonely, how do I learn to love me and stop leaning on trying to find the right kind of reliable, loyal and courteous people and find those qualities within myself? I have these hang-ups about connections because even while I've had friends around, I've always felt...alone. I always fall flat on my face when it hits me all over again how truly alone I am, even when friends and family have promised to be around there's always something missing, as if I'm grasping onto this invisible notion of real happiness. How do I go about being happy with me? I've always been a loner so trying to find what makes me feel great is something I've tried and it gets no better than reading, sleeping and listening to music. With my life "on hold" because of this job thingy, its more pressing than anytime before especially because the safety net that school provided is no longer around. This new phase of my life is suppose to begin but it didn't take off with the bang that I expected, and now I'm left spending days and nights in bed with the shades drawn while waiting for the phone call that will let me know I could press play on my life again.

Window Seat

Erykah Badu's new video "Window Seat" is causing some controversy due to the nudity and the location in which it was shot.

But I definitely love the lyrics to the song and dig the commentary at the end of the video:

"They play it safe, are quick to assassinate what they do not understand. They move in packs, ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another. They feel most comfortable in groups; less guilty to swallow. They are us; this is what we have become, afraid to respect the individual. A single person within our circumstance can move one to change, to love herself, to evolve."

And here's another video for shits and giggles:

Thoughts Captivity

Now, the first post was just a little bit of venting. It was late and I honestly needed to write down my feelings. Its a new therapeutic way of dealing that I'm using to handle issues when it begins to weigh too heavily on my brain. Everyone has been encouraging this for a while and for once I decided not to be hard headed and go for it. What could be the harm right? I could think of a few... but I will remain positive.

I didn't start this blog to "brush up on my writing," or to solely complain about current situations/ex-boyfriends, but for "self-analysis" as my therapist puts it. I need to do a little soul searching and find out the purpose for many a situation I put myself in and sometimes not, but I'm taking a crack at chronicling these thoughts and events of my life so I can learn how to better deal with them. I hate writing about myself because I usually try to avoid these self-assessment type of exercises but I will pledge to keep up with this journal, since there are going to be far more challenging exercises I'll need to overcome. Hopefully this will work.

Photographs

I found a picture of my parents during happier times about a year ago. The picture dates back to the mid-80s and they look completely infatuated with one another. My father is looking at my mother while he has her locked in an embrace and she's smiling shyly for the lucky camera man. Its something I've never witnessed within their relationship and its why I've held onto the rare memento because they're no longer together. I always gaze at this photograph, wondering where did their relationship go wrong, because this picture is proof that it was once a great relationship. Are all relationships JUST great in the beginning?