Shifting Priorities

On a train ride home Saturday afternoon two beautiful little black girls boarded the car, bouncing gleefully with huge smiles accompanied by two adults, one female the other male. The parents looked on as the girls giggled and whispered to one another while making faces. I couldn't help but stare and I began to wonder, "What if I had children? What would they look like? Would they be mini-me's? Would girls be better suited for me?" I suddenly began to tear up at the girls' innocence, at how truly special children are and maybe I would consider having my own in the future. As I departed the train car, a baby began howling rather loudly and my first real spark of maternal interest died a little.

On the heels of recent pregnancy announcements from two of my girlfriends and my impending 25th birthday later this year, I've realized the need to re-assess some of my life goals, desires and needs.

The Better Qualified Candidate

It's amazing the range of moods that I experience on a day-to-day basis. My week began productively: Sunday I got around to the six weeks worth of laundry that I've been avoiding for two weeks; I cleaned my room and I prepped for a phone interview for the next day that I was ecstatic about. Monday I was confident, I aced the interview and landed an in person meeting for Wednesday; I managed to put together an awesome outfit last minute paired with enviable hair, and I finished my three month volunteer commitment on a good note. Tuesday rolled around and I was feeling inspired! I felt like writing in my journal which I haven't done in a month, it was my first day as (yet another) a media intern within the public affairs department where I volunteered and I was convinced this new job opportunity was mine. I was sure Wednesday would be outdone, I had the interview attire to prove it. But I faltered, I sabotaged myself and froze up during the interview. I fumbled and mumbled my way through, muttered incomplete thoughts, and at times I believed I repeated myself. By noon I felt deflated and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sulk the day away. Today, I sent the customary thank-you letter and two hours later I was hit with a rejection response. They decided to go with "a better qualified candidate." Really?

Point Taken

via: black-girlinthecity.com

Faith Infinite

An atheist professor of philosophy was speaking to his class on the problem science has with God. He asked one of his new Christian students to stand.

Professor: You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?

Student: Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Professor: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Professor: My brother died of cancer, even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn’t. How is God good, then? Hmm?

(Student was silent)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you? Let’s start again, young fella. Is God good?

Student: Yes.

Professor: Is Satan good?

Student: No.

Professor: Where does Satan come from?

Student: From.. God.

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student: Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student: Yes.

Professor: So who created evil?

(Student didn’t answer)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immortality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student: Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them?

(Student had no answer)

Professor: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son.. have you ever seen God?

Student: No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your God.

Student: No, sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God, for that matter?

Student: No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student: Yes.

Professor: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, Science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student: Nothing. I only have my Faith.

Professor: Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as Cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student: No, sir, there isn’t.

(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of Heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was a pon-drop silence in the Lecture Theatre)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student: You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light… But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and it’s called Darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, You would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is, your Philosophical Premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?

(The class was in uproar)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? .. No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable and Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on Faith, son.

Student: That is it, sir.. exactly! The link between man and God is Faith. That is all that keeps things alive and moving!

 
The student was Albert Einstein.
 

via: beautifulboulevard.tumblr.com

Just Keep Going, You Got Nothing to Lose

The meaning of life you ask? Well...Let me see...

The Story - Where Did All the Rainbows Go?

I've given up. I've decided I will no longer wait in vain for your love. I will move past this and nurture the searing pain surging through me however long it lasts. Time heals all wounds? I will embrace the change, shake off my disappointments and find trust within.

Self?

I'm listening. Tell me what to do.

I'm holding hands with God and I'll brave this journey no matter how treacherous. True human companionship seems to be a figment of my imagination that I'll forever long for, but I don't want to be ignored anymore. I'm not asking for infinite wisdom or divine revelation, just happiness. I'll learn to appreciate the teeniest wonders in life despite ugly truths. If I laugh, it will be long and hearty. When I cry it'll be cleansing. I'll always think twice and hard about how I react because I believe in karma. I will open my heart to doing what's right instead of what I'm told. If fortunate to love another again, I'll make respect not only a priority but a demand. Whenever I look in the mirror I will look beyond my physical imperfections because I am more than what meets the eye. I will continue to educate my mind and feed my creative soul. And I'll dream, but it'll be in color. Rainbows.

Still a ways to go but I know my soul will never steer me wrong. I gotta story to tell. Good-bye. Farewell.

Another Again

Someone special recently told me I was an inspiration. It surprised me and I was moved by their honesty. Never before had I thought I could or perhaps should be anyone's inspiration. There are so many chinks and sloppily glued cracks in this armour that I would be embarrassed if people really knew what I sometimes thought of myself. I am the biggest work in progress there is, but I've managed to hide huge chunks of my emotions only releasing them occasionally in small bursts until I feel ready to implode. Today I was a complete emotional wreck. Matter of fact, I woke up on the wrong side of my bed Monday morning, kicking off my day -rather my week so far- with such foulness that I haven't been able to shake since. Tuesday morning decided it would not be outdone and I ended up having to talk myself through the beginnings of a panic attack which I haven't had in several months.

Ramblings Before An Apocalypse

It is 17 days into the New Year and I didn't create any resolutions, amendments or promises to myself but I am beginning to adapt a new outlook on how I handle situations and my reactions to them. 2010 ended with a close friend of mine asking me about what I was going to change for the New Year. I smirked and replied, "What's so different about the New Year that I can't do tomorrow? Hell, today?" I launched into my tirade about how tired I was of hearing folks come up with lists of changes and waiting for another year to usher in the "New." Pathetic.

Passion that Matters

Emerging Adulthood

The popular late 1980's African-American sitcom, A Different World, is what inspired me to attend college, particularly a historical Black college or university (HBCU). The comedy depicted the lives of several students attending the fictional Hillman College while exploring social issues, glamorizing Black sororities and fraternities, and giving an overall structure of college life. When high school drew nearer to a close, I made sure college applications were sent off and my college tour rounds were completed, because my dreams of freedom, partying, new friends and most importantly placing one foot forward toward my writing career, was becoming clearer.

Been to Hell & Back...But I Found My Cloud

The view leaving Punta Cana

Dear Journal,

It's been a hectic two months and in the midst of it all, I've neglected you. I will not ask for forgiveness but I'll admit much of it was no fault of my own. I'll give you the short version. I went on a fabulous vacation to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic and threw down with a couple of spiders, visited with my father and little brother in Orlando, FL; returned from my trip and was promptly thrown off my bliss train by the abrupt departure of my boss and was given a semi-half-assed promotion (I still didn't get the memo on what exactly my new title is). Meanwhile I was ripped off by Toshiba computers and was without my laptop for over six weeks (See? Not my fault), and this past weekend alone I was involved in a catastrophic upheaval that involved me, my sister and a 911 call. Ehh. What an eventful summer I've been having.

Even though I refuse to go into each and every detail, I've learned several things, but the most important one: I cannot change everyone around me, but I can become a better me. I will forever be a work in progress. This summer many unexpected events were thrown my way, but I realize the best solution is to step back and address every situation accordingly because ultimately, I am always in control of me and I still have to wake up and live with myself.

The Bible says, "Pride goeth before destruction and an haughty spirit before a fall; Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud."

Facebook Woes + Newfound Capabilities

About a week and a half ago, I deleted my Facebook account. Its something I wanted to do for a few months but didn't really see commitment in the act and found excuses to avoid it. During my pity party session right after I encountered the man on the bus incident, I axed the account. My moment in time reason was deleting numbers from my phone wasn't cutting it and I decided to make the move. I haven't broken down and sneaked a peek into this week's latest updates from "friends" and family but I believe that I can maintain my stance. For now. Well, no I really plan to. But, I need to breakdown my initial reason for bailing out on Facebook...

Loves+Laughs+Christmas List

Loves:
My newest book obsession is Dean Koontz. I've retired Toni Morrison and fellow Black authors for a bit and decided to explore more of the thriller/mystery genre. I adore Koontz's overall story lines but his writing leaves a lot to be desired for the true literary bluffs. He tends to overwrite using lots of fluff (I actually believe he writes with a thesaurus in his lap) while dragging the back story which can leave you annoyed with the protagonist but the reader is soon rewarded for sticking it out with a courageous tale of good triumphing over evil. Based on Amazon reviews his older novels are a treat, so for my next trip to Borders I'll be indulging in:

The Orb

Dear Journal,

I am allowed a pity party. I detest when others participate in their own but I need to bare an honest lonely soul. Monday morning I contemplated swallowing a bottle of prescription sleeping pills that would sufficiently put me to rest. Tears soaked my pillow as I pictured the bottle in the far reaches of my drawer. Only two footfalls away from my bed, all I needed to do was empty the bottle of pills and one by one slip the chalky oblong shaped substances into my mouth...and just swallow. So simple and so easy. I've never met anyone who hasn't been beckoned by life ending paranoia, so readers of my journal don't be paralyzed with fear that I've been tempted, yet again. My feet anchored to the bed while I thought of my four year old brother who I only met a year and a half ago and my plans to whisk him away to Disney World where dreams come true alongside the $2000 vacation I scrimped and saved for to the Dominican Republic next month. The upcoming events that last week I made painstaking sacrifices to finalize, momentarily seemed trivial. Or what about my dog? What would become of him? Would he wander around whimpering looking for his mother/owner? Those were the only things that came to mind, if I succumbed. On the very anniversary of a relative's suicide, I was thinking of my own. Loneliness encumbered my already heavy heart and I trembled at the further pains I'd have to endure if I were to continue trying to tear the thick cobwebs from around it. Lately my reading choices have eased into the macabre apocalyptic genre where humans are revealed as destructive bitter voids intent on hatred, fed by fear and moved by nothing at all. Its all fiction and false but its a glimpse into the reality of the world. Nearly three days ago, a man balled his hand into a fist and pumped me in my chest because he didn't want to give up the empty seat next to him on the bus and passengers silently sat by, mouths agape. It reminded me of an incident a few years back where I was groped by giggling school age boys in a crowded train station which evoked vivid memories of a sexual assault I've never coped with. The humiliation of that rape still causes nausea to swell into my chest at the thought of any stranger's unwelcome touch and I remembered refusing to leave my bed for days after the groping. The empty stares of the onlookers on that bus and on the subway all those years back, reminded me of people's indifference to an obvious grotesque situation and further made me realize how lonely I was. I had no one to call to receive comfort from because the triggers and violations wouldn't be understood. Not fully. I called my "situation"/ex-boyfriend for his quality reassurance and he hung up. Alone. It hurts to be lonely on the anniversary of a relative's suicide. Scary. So I rode it out. Allowed the tears to soak my pillow and listened to the small voice in my head that told me to rest and wake up later.

Two days later, I'm here.

'The Lazarus Effect'

...and I realize I have it all.

Quote of the Day

"Love launches us into new territory. To explore the new, the old must be left. It means leaving earlier levels of accomplishment & relationship & growing into new ones. Every act of love is a risk of the self. There are no guarantees in love. Much can go wrong: we can get hurt; we can be rejected; we can be deceived. But without risking these perils there can only be a repetition of old patterns, the routine of old comfort.
The self cannot be itself if it does not grow, & for a creature made in the image of God to grow is to love..." - Eugene H. Peterson

(quote via: She is)

...And it Just Keeps Coming

Its sickening the emotional roller coaster that I've been on the past couple of weeks. I'm beginning to annoy myself and the anger is beginning to swell and spill over onto others. Today marks the seventh week of my internship and I'm just about ready to quit which is my usual reaction to situations that frustrates me, but obviously because I'm trying out this "adult" thing, I can't do that. Besides the menial duties that I've been assigned, I've been receiving increasing passive aggressive comments from co-workers. These comments range from the way I might have completed an assignment, to jokes that a normal person would consider offensive and inappropriate for a work environment. Meanwhile I deal by biting my lip and counting backwards from ten because I'm only the intern. Besides that, I work with individuals who complain incessantly about their jobs. Everyone has their hang-ups about their workplace from time to time but when you have people huddling in corners whispering about how "incompetent" the boss is, that's crossing the line. Take that outside of the workplace and pick up a guide on professional etiquette, OR quit and run your own damn company. I've taken on internships where I've felt belittled and I accepted that the person who handed out the mistreatment obviously didn't leave their personal issues at home and besides it was an academic requirement, so I swallowed my anger and shut up. The difference now is, I'm here by absolute choice and I'm overqualified in terms of my job's description. So in this matter, do I sit back and take the idiocy or leave and move on to something where my efforts are a bit more appreciated in a more professionally suited environment?

Have You Smiled Lately?

As I lay in bed waiting for my best friend called sleep to greet me, the strangest thing occurs: I feel the lower half of my face wrestle with my cheeks and the corners of my mouth helplessly turn upward. Its the most random facial emotion to feel right now because of the long day that I've had paired with the start of a trying week and I haven't had a smile yet. "Tomorrow is a new day," I whisper. A tiny giggle slips from my lips and drowsily I begin to count sheep. The Dream Land awaits...

Hiatus

Something is wrong with me and its affecting my mouth and my fingers and my eyes.
Dear Journal: I'll be back, I promise, but I wouldn't be true if I couldn't express my thoughts properly. I'm waiting for the write (pun intended) time.

Huh?

So...the internship is going well. And they kept their word and paid me...but...