Its sickening the emotional roller coaster that I've been on the past couple of weeks. I'm beginning to annoy myself and the anger is beginning to swell and spill over onto others. Today marks the seventh week of my internship and I'm just about ready to quit which is my usual reaction to situations that frustrates me, but obviously because I'm trying out this "adult" thing, I can't do that. Besides the menial duties that I've been assigned, I've been receiving increasing passive aggressive comments from co-workers. These comments range from the way I might have completed an assignment, to jokes that a normal person would consider offensive and inappropriate for a work environment. Meanwhile I deal by biting my lip and counting backwards from ten because I'm only the intern. Besides that, I work with individuals who complain incessantly about their jobs. Everyone has their hang-ups about their workplace from time to time but when you have people huddling in corners whispering about how "incompetent" the boss is, that's crossing the line. Take that outside of the workplace and pick up a guide on professional etiquette, OR quit and run your own damn company. I've taken on internships where I've felt belittled and I accepted that the person who handed out the mistreatment obviously didn't leave their personal issues at home and besides it was an academic requirement, so I swallowed my anger and shut up. The difference now is, I'm here by absolute choice and I'm overqualified in terms of my job's description. So in this matter, do I sit back and take the idiocy or leave and move on to something where my efforts are a bit more appreciated in a more professionally suited environment?
Next on my list is the "situation"/ex-boyfriend. For the past six weeks we've been getting along, making an effort to spend as much time with each other when our schedules allow and sneaking in as much life altering sex as possible. The good is good when its good and that's always good. So, why am I needlessly nit-picking at what could be better? Trying to strain some declaration of undying love and friendship out of Him, well until we're both sick of one another. Yes, I'm aware that I was dealing with someone who wasn't ready to get involved in another relationship with the same person. He claimed the need to get Himself on His feet, to reach some of His goals. Where's the fight in that? It's when that person wants to do all the things that lovers do without acknowledging the eventual path the situation will take... someone will desire more and if he/she fails to find it within that person, moving on is the best option. Well He isn't too elated about the idea of me moving on and neither am I. I'm willing to give Him the space He needs to take care of His personal needs (aside from the fact that I took care of my needs while we were together) but not once has He told me that He could see himself with me again as I have told him many times, which is the reason I've decided to wait. The absence of feeling needed by someone who you'd do almost anything for is an immeasurable pain, especially because I've been waiting for Him for more than I'm beginning to feel comfortable with. At this point, any sane person would reason to let it go, waiting in vain isn't worth it and it seems as if our "situation" is all too convenient for Him. And I'd agree, but if anything were that easy then this journal couldn't be justified.
My next issue is my sudden money woes which is angering me because more than anything I hate when people mess with my pockets. I received a letter at the end of last week from my college's bursar office demanding I cough up close to a thousand dollars within six days for an unpaid bill. As I tried to comprehend the letter, tears sprung into my eyes and I felt this invisible vise grip closing around my throat. Trying to keep an impending panic attack at bay I dialed the school's bursar office. According to one of the inept office drones, a grant was yanked because of two summer courses I completed two years ago. Apparently if you're granted financial aid for a summer course, the difference reflects during the following semester. The blunder wasn't discovered until after the bill was paid in full and a year later, the college is seeking unjust payment. I cried foul, hung up without a farewell and started throwing objects across the room.
Job woes, money woes and man woes. A combination which is causing me the kind of sadness that makes me want to curl up, close the curtains and drop out of the world for awhile. Every time I begin to feel a tad sorry for myself, I tell myself that things could be much worse and there are people with 10x more issues. But when they're your problems it feels as if a tiny portion of the world sits a top of your shoulders.
Its 5 a.m. I'm taking a day. They won't miss me.
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