Circle of...

Two days ago, I received a friend request on Facebook accompanied by a message that made my heart drop. It was from an ex-best friend that I hadn't spoken with in close to four years. She was a friend that I met while in my first year of my hell hole college and she was my life line. Come to think of it, I don't remember how we actually ended up hanging out but my first memory of us starts when she confided to me and two other girls (turned frenemies) that she was pregnant. It was within the first three weeks of our fall semester, both of us were seventeen, journalism majors and extremely homesick.

A sucker for a good sob story I became her shoulder, her confidante and we called each other sisters. Christmas break came and went and she never showed up for the start of classes the following semester. I walked around campus depressed and confused as if I lost my left limb. No calls, no letters, nothing to indicate whether she'd come back. Alas February rolled around and I received a cheery call from her as though she hadn't left my world ruined, to inform me she wasn't returning. She decided to stay home, have the baby and dote on her life as a new mom. As selfish as it seemed all I could think of was, "What about me?" To say the least, things changed. Not a life altering change, but a subtle tilt on my axis, which usually left me miserable but I always recovered when she told her witty jokes and laughed the familiar laugh that I loved. We stayed in touch, she had her daughter and she sent me pictures and letters addressed to "Auntie," that made me wince slightly. Two years after her daughter was born and she became pregnant with her second child, she invited me to visit for Thanksgiving. I jumped at the chance because I was drowning in depression and I needed a familiar face, someone with whom I could relate. To make a long story short, she changed. It wasn't a change that one certainly understands comes with time and raising children while still growing up. No, it was a change that made me shirk and long to hightail it back home and deal with my own issues. I was hurt. And I think she was disgusted that I couldn't handle who she was. And last but not least, she stole from me.

From then on, my friendships have had weird highs and lows and I had to adapt a certain outlook when I deal with the few friends I have by placing them in categories. But of lately, I've been in a ditch when I think about the friends who are around and I could certainly say, I have ONE good friend. Honestly, if you only have just one, why do you need any others? There are the friendships that exist mainly because you've known the person for so long but the relationship is a one-way street. For example, you never hear from them unless you call or text and when you speak they tell you of all the things they've been getting into socially and you're thinking, "Whenever I want to get into something, you're one of the first people I call. Why is that?" Or, this one is a biggie, because I have a few girlfriends who are into this: As soon as they get a man, they can't find your number. You know, you guys are both single, they have your number on speed dial every weekend because they're trying to snag someone at the club. But as soon as they do, they don't know how to balance friends and boyfriends. Usually these types are the ones who have no business in a relationship to begin with. Oh, just one more example: The type that is always going through something and only calls you to cry and blubber about their issues and so forth. Where are they when you need a shoulder to lean on? Nowhere to be found. But that's alright, because you care so much you begin to take on their issues but when everything is "hunky dory" on their side, not even an telegram to let you know they're still alive.

I was born alone. I'll die alone too.

P.S.
Sorry for the tone of this post but its been one of those couple of weeks. Ugh.