Shifting Priorities

On a train ride home Saturday afternoon two beautiful little black girls boarded the car, bouncing gleefully with huge smiles accompanied by two adults, one female the other male. The parents looked on as the girls giggled and whispered to one another while making faces. I couldn't help but stare and I began to wonder, "What if I had children? What would they look like? Would they be mini-me's? Would girls be better suited for me?" I suddenly began to tear up at the girls' innocence, at how truly special children are and maybe I would consider having my own in the future. As I departed the train car, a baby began howling rather loudly and my first real spark of maternal interest died a little.

On the heels of recent pregnancy announcements from two of my girlfriends and my impending 25th birthday later this year, I've realized the need to re-assess some of my life goals, desires and needs.

As a child growing up in a two-parent household that was everything but traditional or normal, I never endorsed marriage/children for myself. A successful marriage wasn't something I ever witnessed within my own home, immediate or extended family, the children were often affected as a result and usually ended up as the product of a single parent situation. My mother always emphasized the importance of receiving a quality education because the love+marriage+children equation would always be there. As a young mother herself she abhored the idea of her children becoming statistics and encouraged more for us, especially since quite strangely in my family mostly everyone has had children before the age of 21, except for me and two of my first cousins. Not only did I want to break this generational cycle, it wasn't something I ever envisioned for my life, so letting go of "tradition" proved easy.

When one of my girlfriends broke the news months ago, I was shocked. As a party girl who recently moved into a cute studio apartment with her boyfriend and is holding down a job she loves, the announcement came as a surprise, but what threw me for a loop was the bland tone in her delivery. No excitement there. Apparently her excuse to keep the baby was, "I'm too old to go to the chopping block." I could only respond in stunned silence. The pregnancy was unexpected for her, but the outcome would be obvious to anyone else when there's an absence of any contraceptives whatsoever. She admits that she's scared and isn't ready but her boyfriend is estactic and wants to keep the baby. Six months into her pregnancy, she and a mutual friend of ours were looking over her baby register and I was appalled at the numerous bedding sets and bibs ( I counted well over 30+ individual bibs) on the list. No other essential items were registered, like: bottles, clothes, diapers, etc. Clearly she's unprepared and I'm frightened for her. I asked her, "You do know that you're having another person, right?" She responded in nervous laughter. My other girlfriend from college shared her baby news randomly by text two weeks ago, when I inquired if we were hitting the clubs that weekend. She's three months along with her second child and I didn't necessarily care to get the details of: whom with, the due date, etc. I gave her well wishes and crossed her off my list of party/drinking partners.

While there are many absolutely incredible young mothers that do/did an awesome job of raising their children, they didn't take on these roles by planning or preparation.  I know women including my two girlfriends who became pregnant by men they never considered having children for. So the question comes back to, why not use contraceptives if you aren't planning/ready to have a baby with this indidvidual? These women aren't idiots either, they're fully aware of preventive measures and what it takes to take care of their sexual health. Not all blame lies within these women, men have a huge share in this, but there's personal responsibility. Aside from that I haven't met any man that I'm willing to bear any children for.

I've become a little de-sensitized to all of it now, since it seems like the norm for most folks to have children before 25 with incompatible partners/poor father choices where marriage was never an option (not that everyone wants to be married anyway, myself included). The few childless girlfriends that I have remaining are beginning to wonder amid pursuing Bachelor/Master degrees, careers and first apartments if bearing children unplanned is a rite of passage, especially in the prime of their lives. One of my college girlfriends that I had dinner with Saturday night, seemed extremely disgusted by it all (her lip literally turned up), especially when I shared my story about the two little girls on the train and my reaction to it. What I do realize is everyone's priorities are not mine nor do they need to measure up to my degree of what's right at 25 years old. Obviously my own views are shifting because people change and plans never happen accordingly. I'm still learning to take on each day as it comes because Saturday allowed me to open my mind to a role that never appealed to me before. I am gettting older and once I'm in a space where everything fits together and is conducive for children I might consider one or two little pig-tailed mini-me's running around.