Spaceship

You know what I realized? Dealing with people is one of the hardest things for me to do. I don't think I've learned how to manage getting use to their egos, their pride, their baggage, their opposite personalities and their opinions. I know that this is what comes with handling and interacting with others but when you have absolutely no idea how to gauge your own colorful make-up, the two becomes an impossible juggling act. So I usually throw up my hands and deem the person, "unmanageable" and pretty much show them the middle finger. Its always been easier for me to wear a frown upon my face, ready an impenetrable attitude and hurl a slew of insults for those unworthy few. Trying to turn around my way of thinking has been impossibly hard but in my hated moments of self-reflection, I think,"Can I really continue to behave this way?" Because who wants to go through life not being able to maintain connections with people who might be able to offer something of importance, no matter how small?

Over a month ago, I ran into a former college roommate of mine on the ferry into lower Manhattan. She sat across from me and her blank eyes briefly met mine. The laughter that wanted to explode from my face wasn't one that could be held so I quickly got up and relieved myself on the upper deck. This girl was infamous around campus for attaching herself to people because she was explainably friendless. People initially welcomed her efforts but she usually became too tiring and a bit stalkerish. When I moved into my new dorm, I told my friends about my roommate and everyone's eyes widened in horror. "Good luck," they told me. Dorm rules were written out and emphasized and I felt confident that we'd get along. She seemed alright a bit talkative but I'm well known for my nasty looks that can silence most people, so I felt that I would be on top of the situation. A few weeks in, I entered my room late one night and she sat in the middle of her bed with a frown. "Could I talk to you?" she asked. It was late and I didn't feel like entertaining any conversations that would turn into a monologue but I gave in. She then proceeded to list the problems that she felt were brewing on my part: I didn't speak to her upon entering our space, I was too quiet, she thought we'd hang out more...etc. It was the weirdest conversation because she felt as if I had this obligation to her as my roommate. Which to me of course wasn't the case, because #1: I didn't choose her as my roommate and #2: I didn't need to do shit because, well hell, I paid to live there (looking back on it, that was way harsh, but I had a real attitude issue then). The night didn't end so well, since I told her to suck it up because not everything was about her and moreover, roommates didn't equal immediate friendship. The situation went downhill from then. If my mother called and it was after 10 p.m. she'd complain and ask that she call earlier instead; she'd wake up early on the mornings I had late classes and bang purposely on her keyboard; she'd touch my television without permission (a definite no no that was outlined in our dorm rules); and then she wouldn't do her half of the chores that were agreed upon. The final straw was when I requested she type a bit softer because it was 7 o'clock in the morning and she yelled for me to shut up. I yanked my covers back and quickly advanced on her with every intention of physical harm when her hands went up in surrender with a meek, "I'm sorry." I left the room in a rage, returned hours later and her side of the room was deserted. I never saw her again.

Whenever I think of that situation, I wondered how I could've dealt with it differently. Its a stretch to believe we would've been friends but acquaintances wouldn't hurt. I'm not the easiest person to co-exist with and believe me, there are moments when I need a break from myself. Its already frustrating that I have issues about maintaining connections with others, but I don't want to be the girl who everyone whispers about because I'm explainably friendless.

I'll have to make due until I can finish building my spaceship and begin construction on my castle located on cloud LoyaltyReliableCourtesy.