It is 17 days into the New Year and I didn't create any resolutions, amendments or promises to myself but I am beginning to adapt a new outlook on how I handle situations and my reactions to them. 2010 ended with a close friend of mine asking me about what I was going to change for the New Year. I smirked and replied, "What's so different about the New Year that I can't do tomorrow? Hell, today?" I launched into my tirade about how tired I was of hearing folks come up with lists of changes and waiting for another year to usher in the "New." Pathetic.
To a degree, I was one of those "pathetics." I remember this past summer I was looking for an outlet where I could meet people with similar interests that didn't involve a smoky filled club or trying to keep links with old friends that I had absolutely nothing in common with anymore. I went to the website Meetup.com and searched for African-American (or Non African-American) book clubs and I was shocked at the results. I wanted to meet intelligent educated Black folks who could hold a conversation about the latest Wally Lamb novel or about the who's who of the publishing elite. I found one that I was interested in joining but was hesitant about e-mailing the organizer of the club. I came up with excuses: "I live too far for the weekly meetings; I don't have extra disposable income to constantly buy books; What if the members are too old?" Eventually I talked myself out of joining and decided to put it out of my head until I had a job to continually buy books and move to a borough where the commute is less tiresome. It was a pretty stupid excuse, but I stuck with it and eventually let my longing go.
I quit my internship in September and restarted my hunt for a job, but by November I grew restless and for a quick millisecond I considered the military...that's a laugh. I got a tip on the Peace Corps via e-mail and grew excited about the opportunity to travel overseas and volunteer. It was to be Plan B if a job didn't pan out by the New Year because I felt totally useless sitting around waiting on someone to give me a job. I researched everything I could find on the organization and began to tell my family and friends about the idea. I got mixed responses at best. One friend laughed at me and told me I wouldn't last while a family member encouraged me to do it before I talked myself out of it. On one hand I was excited about it: It was a new challenge. I knew I would be living in a situation that would be less than ideal (which made me increasingly uncomfortable) but I also wanted to prove to myself that I can leave home and follow through on my mission. I went away to two universities and came home each time settling for a degree from a school here in the city. I wanted to show out for the naysayers a lil' bit too, but this wasn't about anyone else. For about two weeks I warmed up to the idea of living abroad on my own for two years, until I stumbled upon a fact that wasn't mentioned in any of my initial research: I would be living alone. Alone amongst the locals within the community I would serve. It didn't sit right with me. I assumed I would be living in some sort of dorm style accommodations with other volunteers. I remember mentioning my uneasiness about it to someone and he thought I was being pretentious. In a sense I became disappointed with myself again, but there are things that I just wouldn't do and living in a developing country that could be on the brink of civil unrest is unnerving and it wasn't something I was willing to commit to after more thought. Coincidentally I watched a 20/20 special this past Friday on women being attacked and raped or sometimes killed while serving in the Peace Corps, which further solidified my position.
But the whole Peace Corps situation made me realize that I don't follow through on many things that I want to do out of fear. I want to relocate to L.A. but without financial stability and a roof I have to wait until a job comes along. I want to make new friends but I have no clue on where to find the right kind of people. Hell, I want to take a road trip but I have no car. With everything that I want to do there always seems to be an excuse waiting in the wings and I'll put it off until later because it seems like my life can't begin without the job to finance some of these goals. Seems pretty pathetic if you ask me, but I'm going to start small and always dream big.
I'm trying this new thing...a positive attitude along with some prayer brings forth positive outcomes. So far its been working. I landed two unpaid internships since the year started...it isn't a job, but I'll be keeping busy, expanding my resume and skills within my chosen career field, and building on those contacts. I actually prayed on this, since I realized how hard it is to swallow negative thinking and embrace a foreign attitude. To me prayer always meant to thank God for what you have and to ask that He continue to bless you as He saw fit. I never believed in asking God for a job or a man...it almost felt blasphemous in a way. If I asked for anything it was patience and guidance, nothing more, but I was actually encouraged to pray for exactly what I needed and for the first time I did. So maybe volunteering on a farm in Nicaragua isn't in the works, but I'm pretty sure there's better plans ahead.
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