Someone special recently told me I was an inspiration. It surprised me and I was moved by their honesty. Never before had I thought I could or perhaps should be anyone's inspiration. There are so many chinks and sloppily glued cracks in this armour that I would be embarrassed if people really knew what I sometimes thought of myself. I am the biggest work in progress there is, but I've managed to hide huge chunks of my emotions only releasing them occasionally in small bursts until I feel ready to implode. Today I was a complete emotional wreck. Matter of fact, I woke up on the wrong side of my bed Monday morning, kicking off my day -rather my week so far- with such foulness that I haven't been able to shake since. Tuesday morning decided it would not be outdone and I ended up having to talk myself through the beginnings of a panic attack which I haven't had in several months.
I've been trying to put my finger on the common denominator between yesterday and today and the inspiration behind my offensive mood is my mounting loneliness. Since my situation with my ex-boyfriend ended abruptly and quite sourly last month, (three weeks before Christmas [after I bought His gifts -which I promptly returned]) I've managed to convince myself that I'm okay and will get through the inevitable withdrawal surely to follow. Christmas arrived and I received an insincere "Merry Christmas" via text as if He forwarded the message to all of His mobile contacts. I initially thought to respond with a hearty "Die," but I was celebrating in church. New Years nothing and since then...blip. Because there hasn't been any real closure, different scenarios come to mind on how cynical and brilliant my response will be when He eventually (hopefully?) calls/texts me professing His desires and apologizing for His faults. Not that I'll care...
What's been the absolute hardest is pretending...like I'm not hurting, losing sleep or having near break downs in public. Its never been this hard before, never. I haven't been without Him in close to three years. Its like learning to be just you again...for awhile. And maybe that's it. I haven't been just me, everything was me and Him. When I considered the Peace Corps, it was Him and I joining; Planning on my first place with Him in mind; Didn't believe in forever, but the foreseeable future held Him and I. We were: 60% infatuation, 20% neediness, 10% love, 5% craziness, 5% selfishness. I'm an inspirational, emotional wreckage.
But I miss Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment